What actually happens
Two men in a lab are having a very normal workday
Engineers Gary Sitterson and Steve Hadley work in a laboratory underground, getting ready for a ritual. A similar operation in Stockholm just failed, so only their facility and one in Japan are left to do it, and the Japanese site has never failed. The movie does not say yet what the ritual is. Remember it when the students arrive at the cabin, because these two men already know more about the weekend than the people living it.
Reading this instead of watching it is the correct decision. Scaredy Cat makes that decision automatic, for free.
The cousin's cellar has a lot of items
Dana Polk, Jules Louden, Curt Vaughan, Holden McCrea and Marty Mikalski spend the weekend at the cabin owned by Curt's cousin. Sitterson and Hadley, from the lab, control the property from a distance and use mind-altering drugs to change how the students behave. The group goes down to the cellar, which is full of strange objects. Dana finds the diary of Patience Buckner, who lived in the cabin and was abused by her sadistic family. She reads the incantations in it aloud, and by doing so wakes up the whole Buckner family as zombies.
Everyone tries to leave and the road disagrees
This is the stretch people dread, and here is what happens. Hadley releases pheromones to push Curt and Jules together outside, where the Buckners attack and kill Jules. Curt runs. Marty finds surveillance equipment hidden in his room and is stabbed and dragged away by a zombie. In the lab the staff learn that the Japan site has also failed, which makes this one humanity's last hope. Curt, Holden and Dana try to leave in the RV, but Sitterson collapses a tunnel in front of them. Curt tries to jump a ravine on a motorcycle to get help, slams into an invisible force field and drops to his death. After that, Dana realizes that the whole weekend is staged. Holden is killed by a zombie while he is driving, the RV crashes into the lake, and Dana swims to a dock, where a zombie corners her and attacks her.
Marty returns and the elevator goes down
The lab staff celebrate, believing Dana is the last survivor, but Marty survived the ambush and comes back for her. He leads her to a hidden elevator, and they ride it down into the lab, where they find a huge collection of monsters in cages. Dana matches the cages to the junk in the cellar and works out that the objects in the cellar decide which monsters are released. Security corners them, so the pair let every monster out. The creatures tear through the staff. A merman kills Hadley, and Dana accidentally stabs Sitterson.
The Ancient Ones want a refund
In an ancient temple, the facility's director explains that every year, rituals around the world offer human sacrifices to the Ancient Ones, a group of cruel gods who live underground. Each region has its own version. The American one needs five archetypes to die: the whore (Jules), the athlete (Curt), the scholar (Holden), the fool (Marty) and the virgin (Dana). The order is flexible, but the whore has to go first and the virgin has to go last or live. The director tells Dana to kill Marty. A werewolf mauls Dana as she hesitates, Marty shoots it, and the director attacks him. Patience Buckner arrives and kills the director, and Marty kicks them both into the pit.
The ending, explained
Dana and Marty decide that humanity is not worth saving. They say sorry to each other, pass a joint around, and the temple floor gives way. A giant hand breaks out of the ground and destroys the facility and the cabin, and the world ends. Jules, Curt, Holden, Hadley and the director are already dead, and Dana has stabbed Sitterson.
The post-credits ruling
There is no post-credits scene. You can leave when the credits start.
✓ Spoiled safelyDog status: fine, no dog dies.
Questions people ask at 1am
Is The Cabin in the Woods scary?
Somewhat. The Cabin in the Woods is a 3.5 out of 10 with low dread: a horror comedy with a few jumps, a lot of monsters and some graphic moments, but little that stays with you.
How does The Cabin in the Woods end?
Dana and Marty decide humanity is not worth saving, so they say sorry to each other and pass a joint around. An enormous hand rises through the ground, destroys the facility and the cabin, and ends the world.
Does the dog die in The Cabin in the Woods?
No dog dies in The Cabin in the Woods.
Is there a post-credits scene in The Cabin in the Woods?
No. The Cabin in the Woods has no post-credits scene, so you can leave when the credits start.
Why are the characters in The Cabin in the Woods being watched?
In The Cabin in the Woods a laboratory stages the whole weekend as an annual ritual that sacrifices five archetypes to the Ancient Ones. If the ritual fails, the world ends.
